Mother*Loaded: tales of an insta-Mom!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Step-Mama Drama!!!

Just my small clarification on the word step-mom?..It was directed at me twice this week...Once from a fellow cub-scout mama and then again from another neighborhood mom friend!..The word almost offends me, OK actually it does...I know that it's not what the word is intended to do...and I certainly don't think it was meant to be offensive in these specific conversations!!! BUT...I am entitled to my feelings and opinion on the subject...

step·moth·er   [step-muhth-er] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
the wife of one's father by a later marriage.

I guess in all reality by the definition of the word I am a step-mom...but in my eyes I am so much more than what I view a "step-mom" to be...and I guess that's where it becomes offensive to me!!! I think that if your the primary parent and adoption it a part of the process then the word "step-mom" just doesn't cut it!!! Did you notice that in the definition above it says nothing about being a mother at all?

I know I didn't carry them for 9 month and I got away with out having to birth them from my loins or develop stretch marks or hemorrhoids (thank-God)...I missed out on the swaddling and bottle feeding...and their first words and first steps!!! I know that and I am not trying to pretend that it didn't happen or that it's exactly the same as being biologically connected or together even, from the start... 

BUT........A "step-mom" to me is one who takes on the role secondary to who most likely is the secondary parent with in her own household as well...In my personal experience as a step-child my step parents weren't really parents at all!!!  Maybe that's a part of why I am so offended by sharing the same title...In my own step-dad's defense...I will say that for a man coming in to a single mama family it is difficult to know what your role should be and how to fill it!..He cared and provided and I have a huge amount of respect and appreciation for him and his role in my life...As for my "ex step-mom" well that's a whole nother blog topic all together...So, don't even get me started!!! 

I guess all I am really trying to say is that the title "step-mom" and "adoptive parent" don't mix...I don't want to offend any of you natural mothers out there, but I am carrying the same load as you...There isn't a birth mom or second wife helping me out and my DH is as clueless as yours when it comes to knowing what it takes to nurture and care for our two "Buds" full time...So, please don't belittle my load with any prefix that means step, less, half, or secondary, etc...  It's just plain offensive to me!!!

I am the only woman here...buttering their bagels, washing their underwear, and volunteering as room-mom...Can you imagine it being "room step-mom?"  NO WAY!!! It's not what a "step-mom" does it's what a mother does!!! There is a reason why this blog doesn't have the word "step" in the title!!!

I have a huge understanding and appreciation for all you Step-Mamma's out there...I personally can't imagine how much harder it would be to share the load and responsibilities with Birth-Mom...I can see how it could be much more difficult and complicated and personally I don't know how well I would do at it!..What ever your specific roles are you deserve respect for braving that relationship and taking your own responsibility for helping bring up a little person in this life!..You go girl!!!

To "Mother Lili" my boys birth mom...I am so sorry for all that you had to go through and I can't imagine what it must have felt like to know that cancer would eventually take you away from your young beautiful babies...but if I can say so...I am so grateful for all you did and your path for better of worse...I love our boys and I love the things you instilled in them before I knew they would be mine...I love talking with them about you and helping them keep your memory alive...I love how much you loved them and I love knowing that you gave them to me and that your watching over us!..Thank you for that... and for sharing your title and this beautiful journey of parenting with me!!! I try to earn it every day...Actually, you know what...I do earn it every day...even on the bad ones!!! I hope I make you proud!!!

Appreciate it ya'll,


2 Responses:

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I have full custody of my "step" kids and often think that my role is more than week-ends and holidays. In your case, your role is even bigger. However, I try to look at it from this point of view... instead of my slight, the people that refer to me as "step" mom are doing so in respect of the one that did birth them. And, I'm always okay, if it is done in respect.

It is when I go to the dentist, doctor, or any other place where I have to bring releases and legal documents showing that I have the right to get them an antibotic for an ear infection that is frustrating for me!