Mother*Loaded: tales of an insta-Mom!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Thanks Givings!!!

I am a firm believer in Family Baggage and specifically the fact that we all have it...I like to think that mine is a little worse than yours but all in all I know that we all have it and that if you don't, your just in denial or unaware of what's really there!!!

There is nothing like sharing holidays with other families to make you appreciate your family (baggage and all)!!! I love DH's family and they are so sweet and appreciative of me...But Thanksgiving just isn't the same when you aren't asleep on your Mama's couch after eating the same dishes that you eat every year on this day!!!  I went and I ate and it was lovely, but it wasn't really Thanksgiving...

I was sad about all this for a second and then I realized that it was so nice to appreciate my crazy baggage carrying family!!!  Even with the awkward non existent relationship that I currently have with my baby sister...Still they are my family...and the ones that I am stuck with and whom are stuck with me...and no matter how gracious and loving, no one can replace that or produce a better Thanksgiving meal...It just isn't possible...

So this year I was thankful for my boys and my new in-law family...but surprisingly enough I was much more thankful for my crazy family that has been with me from the start!!! 
I hope you all had a great Turkey day...and that you were surprisingly thankful for something, and maybe family most of all!!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

more more and more...there is always more!

Okay so life got in the way and that's my only excuse...but I have noticed a huge difference in my mental health in comparing my consistent blogging self with that of my occupied and don't have time to blog self...I think I need this shit?

I have been a mess lately...It could be that we are still  and again  sick in this house...WHAT THE HELL?..Or it could be partly due to the fact that we lost our sweet China Cat to a tragic accident in front of our house last week...Or maybe a million other reasons, but it hasn't gone unnoticed that I am feeling better already just from typing this silly little update!
So not only now have I  set a goal for working out and making a long over due dentist appointment, and to send those long over due wedding and house warming gifts...but now to blog regularly for my own sanity as well...
Man it takes a lot to keep this woman sane and not uber sensitive and from avoiding proper etiquette...all I can say is that I am sorry but please don't take offense...I mean I don't go to the dentist and I went to the gyno for the first time in literally almost 3 years recently, so your not the only one that I neglect...Not that it's an excuse!!!
It's ironic to me that at the core we are all trying to "just be"...yet there are millions of other things that we are expected and striving to be so that we can be a proper and good person while we are trying to let go of all those details in order to just be...Interesting?
I apologize if I'm not making since...I am not in my right mind...haven't blogged in weeks and trying to let go of details in order to "be"...while feeling guilty for avoiding and denying other details that make me a "proper" person...
Oh life!!!
Mother Loaded
P.S. the new photo is an interpretive piece on what I feel like doing and look like most of the time that I am dreaming of escaping certain parts of my reality!!! (meaning...child wrangling, under wear folding, toilet scrubbing, and husband taming, etc...) (and today in particular...facing and trying to ignore the pit in my stomach from a grueling and mortifying public ego spanking that I am trying to recover from...ouch...I still feel like a child who's trying to not cry while being disciplined!)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Dance Baby Dance!??????

Okay so this weekend was DH's birthday and so that means that we had the perfect excuse and a willing Grandma forcing us back into the world of a social life...We don't visit this world very I don't count teacher conferences and cub scout meetings as real adult interaction...So it was a nice change of pace to go to a lovely dinner down town with a melting pot of friends in tow!!!

Dinner was great! We were full of social interaction, sake, and Japanese food by about 9 o'clock...when we then shockingly agreed (while yawning) that we should go see some friends play a gig at a joint down the road...Whew, dinner and music...We are really out now!!!! Well not exactly...Before we got in the door DH had already whispered to me that he didn't want to stay long...Man are we losers from the burbs or what!!!

I was more in a social mood and almost felt like I was on vacation...So, despite not being able to have more than one drink (it was not my birthday and we couldn't afford a cab if we wanted one all the way back to our neck of the woods)..I was excited to be somewhere where kids were not allowed!!!

I don't know if it was the one extra large sweet tea vodka(which is sinfully good by the way), or my being around other adult women who don't have kids for the first time in ages...But, it was as if this place and all the people in it were my scientific experiment and that it was my duty to observe and judge...Awful I know(forgive me)...It's a culture that I am not a part of very often and so it has become like being in a foreign country and not being able to take your eyes off the locals!

I danced enough to look like I belonged and sipped my cocktail slow enough so that I could escape at some point...It was what I think is probably the usual crowd and filled with a few people that I love...But the more that I watched the more I realized that maybe I shouldn't feel that sorry for my self any more...Don't get me wrong I miss having a consistent social life a lot, but watching some of these folks gave me such a great appreciation for the fact that I wouldn't be back out tomorrow searching for what ever feeling or partner that a lot of these people were so obviously searching for!!!

I know there were some more "observers" out there(most came in with me)...Ones that weren't searching for anything but a night out with friends and their significant other...But then there were "The Others"...

Just a few of my favorites...

The old hippie guy that was dressed like a modern age frat boy and probably at least in his fifties...poor old man...

The two suits...who you know were in their first real job working for the man, because they looked like they were twelve and dressed up for their cousin's wedding...feeling all fine and looking very goofy and over confident...entertainment for me!!!

Then there was your typical cougar...flopping her fake boobies in her top...that one that looks
like it fit when she was in her twenties...ewww!!! Now talk about sad...that is sad!!!

And then there was the icing on the cake...When I spotted this one I knew that I was happy that I lived at least a 30 minutes drive away...It was one of those where you do a double take and where as hard as you try you just can't stop staring and wondering...I was filled with sorrow, shame, and outrage for this girl all at the same time...I noticed her cleavage first...bursting out of her top as if she was lactating...

Oh wait a she lactating?..No, certainly it can't that what I think it is?.. Is that girl dancing all crazy in the front of stage left PREGNANT?..NO, certainly it can't be?..Okay, she could just be here every night and that's why she looks likes she's pregnant right?..

I watched her like a hawk scouring it's pray and I couldn't take my eyes off of this poor girl...she most certainly had more in her belly than a keg of beer and years worth of RedBull and vodkas...She was out and pregnant for sure...Not that I think you should be bedridden and stuck at home for your entire pregnancy...But this girl had no ring and was literally sweating like she was a fat ass who had danced for the first time in her life...She was even twirling her sweaty hair around like a rock star...I was so outraged and appalled that she was in this club filled with smoke and shaking her milk filled breast every where...She was dancing so hard that I swear she might have given this poor fetus shaken baby syndrome before it was even born...

I wanted to judge her and confront her for a second, but in the end I just felt sorry for her...She was probably out enjoying her last moments of freedom and praying she'll meet a man before she spits out the biggest "cock block"(please excuse my french, but I really couldn't think of a better term) of her life...poor girl...poor baby!!!

I never felt more happy to walk to the car and drive home with DH back to our Loserville neighborhood where I am constantly buried in housework and all things that involve kids...I was just happy to have a real home and man to take there with me!!!

I won't lie though...I am looking forward to collecting more data on my experiment in the near future!!!

Hope you had a great birthday honey!!!

yours truly,

Note to all those who pray...add sweaty pregnant girl to your list!!! Even if I was wrong and it was a beer gut, this girl desperately needs our prayers!!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


As some of you know...I sometimes feel very isolated in these here suburbs!!! And you might have read in an earlier post, "Come Back Wine-O" that I initially had a gal pal but then was left all by my lonesome...All of this makes for some great great appreciation for the slightest and simplest adult interaction...especially that of a fellow woman and Mama!!!

So when I connected to this new hip mama in my hood I was so excited and filled with new hope that even though I am young and not the typical housewife isolated out here...that I can find the diamonds in the rough...the cool hip suburban mommas who aren't afraid to have a real conversation or confess about their germ ridden offspring and nests(or as this one new friend has said...that they might be old enough to have been my trashy teenage mothers!!!)

While it is possible to find these jewels buried deep in dirty laundry and grocery shopping...It is difficult and I think much of it left to fate...and here's one great thing about it too...Once you find one...others usually follow!!!  I was lucky enough to experience this following a few days ago when my one hot mama friend connected me with another hot mama who happens to be a fabulous photographer who especially enjoys taking photos of woman and fellow suburban hostages!!!

This real deal of a women invited me to her home for a little photo shoot for no particular occasion other than the fact that I told her it sounded like fun and that I thought it would be a liberating challenge for me! Oh Thank you...Thank you...Thank you!!!

It was...I got creative and brought some fun props and articles of clothing that were special to me and that I thought represented me well.  I tried to not be too nervous as to not ruin every photo!!! She was calm cool and collected in her house clothes and bed head(which I admired so!)  She put my nerves at ease! I still wish in retrospect that I would of come out of my shell just a bit more...but we all have to start some where I suppose!!! And if that was my start then I am well on my way!!! 

Even with my overly critical eye when it comes to self portraits...I think she captured my beauty in a cool and vintage type of way!!! I can honestly say that she captured me and that makes it easier for me to enjoy the little things that I usually despise about my portraits.  Of coarse I can always pick out my flaws...can't we all (women, I mean)!..But the coolest part of it all wasn't the actual tangible was the experience of doing something out of the ordinary...being creative and having a reason to do my hair, plan a wardrobe and accessories...and pose for the spotlight!  All while enjoying some adult interaction from a fellow strong, smart, and  beautiful mama!!!

It was an experience that I won't soon forget and that I  will certainly plan to do again...and one that I think all women should pay to have a few times in their lives...What is more timeless and classy, than to have your photo taken all by your self without too much makeup and by a professional!!!

If you want that photographer to be a real down to earth Mom...who's not afraid of her flaws (or yours)and celebrates her strengths(and yours)...then this chic is your ticket...check her out!!!

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself.  ~Elizabeth Metcalf

Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness.  ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du DeffandLetters to Voltaire


                                                       Thank God for election day!!!!!!!! I am so sick of all the bitchin and imposing of one's opinions!!!!!!!! We all have our opinions and our right to vote..Which is why I went a week ago and voted early!!!!!!!!

After I left the voting center...I called my Aunt who lives in the same voting district as us to tell her that she should use this place because I was in and out in 10 minutes and it was a breeze!!! The first words from her mouth were " I hope you didn't vote for *&^#!@^:" I was like "well, Auntie I voted for who I wanted to vote for because it is MY vote and so that means that I get to choose and you can keep your opinions to your self!"   I am so sick of all the garbage that comes along with voting!!! What has happened to our manners and our common respect for one another's opinions? I know that some of you really get off on your political conversations and persuasions...I am just not one of those folks!  I am happy to have a very light, fact oriented conversation, but the second that you start spewing your version of an aggressive political ad...I'm out!

You be you and I'll be me...that means that we get to be our own authentic selves and that we don't have to agree on every thing! It is the beauty of this life and of our great county!!!

I don't think I am better than you for my opinion about who should be our next president...Nor do I feel the need to belittle you for disagreeing with me! Actually I find it to be an insecurity and a weakness that so many of us do feel the need to take that approach!

I work a part time nanny job (that I love)...but if I have to hear about how she cried on the way home and stole a political sign for her yard to make her feel better...or hear her 3 year old child say "yucky *&^#!@^:" again I might have to throw up in my mouth just a bit!!!

When Scout decided to voice his opinion about how he didn't like who we are not voting for...I said..."stop right there bud, why don't you like him?"  No answer, because he knew he didn't have a good one...I followed with "you aren't old enough to vote or have enough knowledge to have an opinion so enjoy it while it lasts and don't say things that you can't back up" "%*^#!;$? is a great man and just because DH and I aren't voting for him doesn't mean that we think he's not a good candidate" "besides, if you were old enough to vote you might agree or might disagree with us and that would be okay because our right to vote gives us the right to agree with some and disagree with others, even those that we love!"

I think it's a shame that when some one brings up the subject and asks who I voted for that I cringe inside! and I think it's a crime that it's tolerated in this country for our elections to include a montage of negative and false filled commercials and ads that confuse people and feed the negative energy that surrounds the process!!!

So, get out there and vote...Where your opinions actually count...and stop sharing your opinion where it isn't welcome!!! And GOD please...get over it when you lose and support whom ever it is that becomes our next president!
Oh and if any of you GA peaches want to get what you deserve for waiting in that line...Save that sticker and check out this article I found for freebies for GA voters...Krispy Kreme and Starbucks to name a few...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Step-Mama Drama!!!

Just my small clarification on the word step-mom?..It was directed at me twice this week...Once from a fellow cub-scout mama and then again from another neighborhood mom friend!..The word almost offends me, OK actually it does...I know that it's not what the word is intended to do...and I certainly don't think it was meant to be offensive in these specific conversations!!! BUT...I am entitled to my feelings and opinion on the subject...

step·moth·er   [step-muhth-er] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
the wife of one's father by a later marriage.

I guess in all reality by the definition of the word I am a step-mom...but in my eyes I am so much more than what I view a "step-mom" to be...and I guess that's where it becomes offensive to me!!! I think that if your the primary parent and adoption it a part of the process then the word "step-mom" just doesn't cut it!!! Did you notice that in the definition above it says nothing about being a mother at all?

I know I didn't carry them for 9 month and I got away with out having to birth them from my loins or develop stretch marks or hemorrhoids (thank-God)...I missed out on the swaddling and bottle feeding...and their first words and first steps!!! I know that and I am not trying to pretend that it didn't happen or that it's exactly the same as being biologically connected or together even, from the start... 

BUT........A "step-mom" to me is one who takes on the role secondary to who most likely is the secondary parent with in her own household as well...In my personal experience as a step-child my step parents weren't really parents at all!!!  Maybe that's a part of why I am so offended by sharing the same title...In my own step-dad's defense...I will say that for a man coming in to a single mama family it is difficult to know what your role should be and how to fill it!..He cared and provided and I have a huge amount of respect and appreciation for him and his role in my life...As for my "ex step-mom" well that's a whole nother blog topic all together...So, don't even get me started!!! 

I guess all I am really trying to say is that the title "step-mom" and "adoptive parent" don't mix...I don't want to offend any of you natural mothers out there, but I am carrying the same load as you...There isn't a birth mom or second wife helping me out and my DH is as clueless as yours when it comes to knowing what it takes to nurture and care for our two "Buds" full time...So, please don't belittle my load with any prefix that means step, less, half, or secondary, etc...  It's just plain offensive to me!!!

I am the only woman here...buttering their bagels, washing their underwear, and volunteering as room-mom...Can you imagine it being "room step-mom?"  NO WAY!!! It's not what a "step-mom" does it's what a mother does!!! There is a reason why this blog doesn't have the word "step" in the title!!!

I have a huge understanding and appreciation for all you Step-Mamma's out there...I personally can't imagine how much harder it would be to share the load and responsibilities with Birth-Mom...I can see how it could be much more difficult and complicated and personally I don't know how well I would do at it!..What ever your specific roles are you deserve respect for braving that relationship and taking your own responsibility for helping bring up a little person in this life!..You go girl!!!

To "Mother Lili" my boys birth mom...I am so sorry for all that you had to go through and I can't imagine what it must have felt like to know that cancer would eventually take you away from your young beautiful babies...but if I can say so...I am so grateful for all you did and your path for better of worse...I love our boys and I love the things you instilled in them before I knew they would be mine...I love talking with them about you and helping them keep your memory alive...I love how much you loved them and I love knowing that you gave them to me and that your watching over us!..Thank you for that... and for sharing your title and this beautiful journey of parenting with me!!! I try to earn it every day...Actually, you know what...I do earn it every day...even on the bad ones!!! I hope I make you proud!!!

Appreciate it ya'll,


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Milkin it for all it's worth!!!

It been eleven weeks since the start of school and we are on our third round of the effects of the germ pool...Scout and Pip are pretty healthy and I like to think that I have threatened them enough to know that they wash their hands the right way...even when they are hard at work filling their brains and collecting germs!!!

Thankfully this last one seems to be spreading faster, so it might not be a month before we're all on the mend!!! I have already threatened to send the kids to school dressed as surgeons, hair nets and shoe covers in all...maybe then we might get to spend a week without as much snot and hacking around here...Hey that would be a good way to boycott the "No Halloween Celebrating" at school...Don't be surprised if halloween comes early for this family...I still have some extra protective eye wear and such from Scout's science party last year (don't know what I was thinking!)

I feel like these bugs are milking me for all I'm worth and when DH is sick I feel like he's milking it for all it's(me) worth too!

I am done...Please God give us some peace...So I can get back to blogging and avoiding my housework...Wether than not having the energy to do it...Literally only having enough energy to load the dishes!!!

GOD please please please!!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Well it appears that my last blog about our "poor old man" has become ironically bitter sweet...It's now been 5 days since we've seen that stinky, sweet old dog and I am just so sad that it had to be this way and I wish we would of had one last goodbye...It seems that I was right about him leaving us for the last time and at this point I am hoping that he's already past and not hungry cold or too weak to come home...I can tell that DH is sad...He had some very watery eyes when we spoke of it last night...I am trying to be extra sweet and loving...and  funny to cheer him up too...Which is why I asked how long he was going to leave the dried dog shit in our garage for sentimental value!!! 

On the plus side one other missing critter that I hadn't blogged about was discovered yesterday!..I found out about this missing creature, that was lurking who knows wear in my house, by accidental honesty which I was oh so happy about.  Turns out that Scout lost him over a week ago and "forgot" to mention it to DH and I...Yeah I was so happy to hear about this after the fact..."you mean to tell me that I have been letting you have sweets and play instead of cleaning your room and you were lying to us about Hermie the whole time?"  "I wasn't lying I just forgot!" "Yeah, I'm not buying it mister...when you forget to mention something that big it's called lying." Lucky for Scout...Pip found him under his bed before we enforced any type of good punishment for his forgetfulness...I am usually good about enforcing all types of punishments (especially when the victim is DH...his favorite is nipple tweaking.)  So, I think it's good to let a few things slide hear and there.  However, we are still having reminder conversations about how lucky he is that we didn't find the crab due to a foul dead crabby kind of stench through out our entire house...with out a clue of where the little crustaceans was put out of his misery!  Crabs are scavengers , so who knows how long it could have survived on it's own?..In this house, with my cleaning habits maybe years!!! 

We love you old man of a dog...Hope your looking down on us from doggy heaven where there's endless table scrapes...If not then get your ASS home so we can love on you before you are!!!


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Give Praise for 55 days!!!!!!!

I am one of those folks that you might call an "old soul."  This and my very dysfunctional up bringing  is what I really think prepared me for this life as  a young mama!  I'm a big believer in that "every thing happens for a reason."  So much so that I am honestly grateful for all the things I was forced to deal with as a child, most of which I wish to block from my memory banks now!..I really do know that it is a lot of those things that have made me the woman that I am today.  Including the small detail of my Dad being an alcoholic for all of my 25+ years. Including the fact that he chose his drink over us before I was old enough to make life long memories!

From a very young age I chose to accept this about my dad and to be grateful for the things I loved about him...I found a way to just love him unconditionally as if he were already the person that I knew he could be minus his disease.  I think that is just what love is between a parent and child and it obviously goes both ways!  It wasn't hard to do has always been very clear and apparent to me that, a side from the ass of a temper my dad has, he is a very kind hearted and giving man...I have always known that he loves me and been grateful to have him as a father!

 Just this year he started to really fall and it was finally clear to him, I think, that the end was near if he didn't choose to fight this disease...We prayed and prayed for there to be hope for him to have the life that he so deserves.  We got our divine intervention and my dad ended up detoxing in the ICU for three weeks...I knew it would be sad and scary to see him that way...But turns out that I had no idea just how bad it could be.

It was just awful...I saw my Dad's junk way more than I ever wanted to even see DH's  man parts...Thank God that kind of stuff just doesn't matter when some one we love is close to death...It's just as ugly as the rest of em anyways.  He wasn't even there mentally for most of it...and he was very angry and inconsolable! I could write a whole other blog based on his hallucinations alone...It was very draining and heart breaking to see someone like this...anyone! I have never ever been so happy for something to come to an end! And to know that when we left there that he would be admitting himself into treatment was one of the most profound moments of my life.

It's been weeks now and he is doing so well, and for the first time in my life I have hope that I will get to know the man behind my father...His treatment program is awesome...There is a family therapy night and I have made it almost every week...not just for him but for me too ...Turns out that most of us could benefit from hearing what these therapist have to say...I've found that I relate to a lot of what they talk about as alcoholics...Not the most exciting blog post for most...but for me it's huge...Every day that my dad is sober is such a blessing and today is his 55th day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE PRAISE FOR 55 DAYS!!! I am so grateful!!!

My favorite quote from last weeks family therapy was this..."Serenity is when your behavior aligns with your inner most core values," Do you have serenity?..I do most of the time, but I am certain that there are plenty of days that I do not!  

Friday, October 17, 2008

Dog @ Large!!!

Here he is on a better day...In a better year...Our dear old man of a dog!!!

Oh the irony of paying for a dog at large ticket when your large dog is as old as Christmas and looks like with every step that he's going to croak with in the next minute!.He can hardly walk anymore yet he continues to go on walk abouts...So, as you could imagine I was just so thrilled to hear from DH once again that he had lost the dog on another rainy day when he would be leaving for out of town...Exactly the circumstances last time...Figures, He makes the mess and I'm stuck here to deal with it...The last one cost us $140!..and my sanity, when I had the most difficult time communicating with the hillbilly, dip spitting, tooth missing, animal control officer...It was a clear scary reminder of the fact that we ain't in the city or a college town no more!!!

Long story short...We had a misunderstanding about the ticket and my options to have it changed into DH's name so that I wouldn't have to give up my winnings in the field trip lottery...I never win anything and I was so excited to mine gold with Scout and the rest of the third grade!..When I finally ended up on the phone with the supervisor it wasn't my most gracious moment...and I have to admit when hill billy came to my door once more this evening to check and see if we found the old man yet...I felt kinda bad!  He didn't have our poor old crippled dog but was letting us know that he got a call and knew it had to be him!..It was nice of him to stop by and let us know (although I think it is his job) and I made sure that I very graciously thanked him for filling us in and keeping an eye out for him...

Now if I could just convince DH to stop letting him stumble off and while he's at it open up his eyes and see that our dear old Dog is miserably unhappy and doesn't want to be here anymore!
I don't know if he's wandering of in an effort to die or to punish DH for continuing to keep him around...I know this all might sound cold and harsh, but if you saw this dog for just one minute and felt his sad pathetic energy you would know that this here is just fact...When we drug him camping (not to far from the car either) last month, we literally had to carry him back...He literally would not get up when it was time to go...It was as if he was saying..."Just leave me, Just leave me here and let me go."

The poor poor thing can hardly walk and shits and pisses at random as if he never saw it comin...and I will embarrassingly add that since our move he went from a bona fide back yard a red neck dog on a rope, tied around a tree in our backyard (hence our new house did not come with a fence and we are too poor right now to build one)...It's horrible...and every time the poor old man looks at me with his sad empty eyes I just say that I am sorry and assure him that it's not my doing and that I love him!..

It really isn't my choice and I am glad for that...He is DH's dog and has been around for way longer than me...I can't imagine having to make it and I completely understand why DH is having such a tough time deciding what's right...But I assure you this...when I have sad empty eyes and I am peeing and shitting on my self...

Be grateful for what we had...say a prayer....kiss me good night...and send me home!..I'll be ready, I promise!!!

Come home our dear poor old dog...I'm worried about you tonight...It's dark and cold!



Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Paper Gowns, Stir-ups, and Lube...Bring it on Baby!!!!

I waited way to long for this damn Gyno appointment...Seriously almost two years(don't tell anyone)...I was feeling rather guilty and obtusely aware of the obvious neglect to my self!  But on a positive side it made me actually excited to be there this morning, if you could even imagine that...I felt a real since of accomplishment and like I was actually doing something for my self for a change...Pretty sad when going to the Gyno makes you feel like you are really treating your self!!!

Once I got over the embarrassment of my coochie check being overdue...I tried to sike myself up for the prick and the big plunge...The finger prick is just as difficult for me unfortunately...With out fail, as soon as the nurse picks it up I turn into a baby and can instantly feel my palms and pits start to sweat and my breathing increasingly more challenging!  
"DEEP BREATH...DEEP BREATH...Ok I'm ready...Wait not yet...I'm so sorry, I'll be ready in just a moment...I promise...Wait...Okay, I can do this...Okay....DEEP BREATH...One more second...DEEP BREATH...OK, Just do it..." 
Usually this back and forth ordeal takes me a few minutes if not 5 and  at times I have declined the iron test all together...But today it was like a minute and once again I was feeling so proud and accomplished!..The Nurse then proceeded to congratulate me for my 12lb weight lose since my last visit...I said to myself, "well it was 2 years ago and if I can recall, I was a little bit over my usual weight at the time...BUT I"LL TAKE IT!!!"...After that I was feeling fine...Chatted it up with the Doc and even asked after she was done..."Was that it? Your done?"...With this attitude I could see the Gyno everyday...okay maybe not, but after the crummy and foul day that I had yesterday...I clearly needed to be reminded that a great attitude changes everything...I just happened to be reminded through the most wonderful morning at the Gyno!!!
It does help just a bit, that I love my Gyno and that I hadn't seen her in a few and she always pretends to want to know about what's going on in my life...She even prescribed me meds for a sinus infection once...Too bad she can't just be my Primary Physician, Gyno, and Therapist all in one!  
Anyways...The rest of the day I continued to feel proud about everything I was doing and it was such an easy day...Man, I must have really needed this attitude adjustment...I have decided that I am going to be obtusely aware of my attitude for as long as I can...Because if the Gyno can make me feel that good...So can carpool, kitchen cleaning, and never ending laundry!!! I'm going to be so excited and so proud about all the mundane things that make up this life...It feels like deceit for a sec, but I can get over that, I think!  I mean I am always preaching to the brood (DH included) about having a positive attitude, might as well put my money where my mouth is...I thought I was leading by example, but apparently I was so unfocused on myself that I was lying to myself some of the time...NOT ANYMORE...Wish me luck!!!

The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy...The Dalai Lama

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same...Carlos Castaneda

Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be...Henry David Thoreau

Monday, October 13, 2008

Lessons from a wanna be Eco-Mamma (aka:hippie at heart)

First let me just clarify...We are not vegetarians, I am not a judge mental "granola girl" and I have never sustained from shaving my legs to make a statement, or given up leather shoes, but if I were to categorise my self to a certain high school social group...I would like to think that I would meet the standards of the earthy, bohemian type!

I am trying to teach my boys some of the staples of being Eco friendly and health conscious!..It is of huge importance to me that they too grow to be highly connected and grateful for this earth (I swear that I am not hugging a tree right this minute!!) In an age and era where the biggest craze is to have the most Hanna Montana and High school Musical Loot this is sometimes a very hard balance...Obviously I don't want them to be outsiders or freaks, but I don't want them to lose there independent selves to the desires of main stream either...

We can't afford to eat all organic and my boys watch what I think is plenty of TV(not anything that's not animated or that's about high school kids yet, but I'm not judging against those of you that have children who can sing every word and verse of the sound tracks)...To each his own...I am a firm believer in different styles of parenting and most of the time, except in extreme circumstances, I appreciate where other types of mothers are coming from.  After all, our kids are products of our selves and it would be kind of sickening if we were all in agreement all the time!!  What would any of us have to blog about then?

Now that I clarified all that...I'll get to the original point of this blog...Earthy Mama 101...In an effort to spread the knowledge and wealth of what it means to be in this category, I thought that I might spread the love every once in a while...We don't always have to be "balls to the wall," so to speak, to appreciate what this means!  We can all find the balance of being more Eco friendly...actually it is becoming more and more mainstream everyday...Our kids in public school now have soy milk along with veggie burgers and fake chicken patties as a lunch choice every day...I have  explained to my boys a few times already that this is the most bang for our buck...more nutrition and organic for the same price as their other lunch choices!!! If you haven't ever tried one they are really good!  If not better than the real deal, in my personal opinion!!!

So let this be the first lesson in being Eco Chic... 

QUINOA [keen-wah], a tall crop plant in the goosefoot family cultivated in Peru and Chile for it's small, ivory-colored seed, which is used as a food staple.

This grain is considered a "whole food" one of the healthiest foods out there!..It is packed with protein and other nutrients...very versatile and an easy substitute for other grains, such as rice and couscous!!!  We don't have it with every meal, although we know a lot of people that do...but even every once in a while it can add a ton of nutrition to your usual dinner...It keeps better after cooked than other grains, so I like to make a lot and keep it in the fridge as a quick side dish or addition to a wrap for lunch!!! check it out...I know you'll see how simple and beneficial it truly is to be a health nut!!! 

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Oh, I'm Nagging?...Well This Is What's Nagging Me!!!!!!!

I must for warn you that I am not in a happy blogging mood today...Honestly I am just peeved...(annoyed; irritated; vexed)...I'm sure this won't be the last but instead the first of many husband related posts...Sorry Honey! but this is my life!

Let me tell you a little bit about my DH, in an effort to be fair...I'll start with a few positive notes...At heart he is a very loving and conscious man...If I wasn't sure of that then I would have blown this popsicle stand a long time ago!  Most of his issues I'm afraid are just do to the fact that he is a man, but some of them I think are do to his personal baggage from the past...The man has been through a lot and he is so prideful, that I don't believe he has really allowed himself to come full circle with some of his personal shit...(don't worry babe, this blog is anonymous to most, and for those who do know about it, I'd be divulging this shit anyways.) 

As I'm writing this it's 11 am and Scout is up in his room reading (he's grounded and sick: a whole nother post subject entirely) and Pip is watching the tube...DH is passed out on the couch and hasn't said anything in the past hour other than to bitch about the volume of VeggieTales...And so goes the reasoning behind my bitter housewife mentality!!!!!!!!

All week long I carry my over flowing mother load...I carry it at 6:15 am when I have to rise and shine to prepare my babies for carpool and  school...I carry it two days a week to my part time job...I carry it every afternoon when I am shuffling back and forth to assist in homework and all the other papers that elementary school requires...I  carry it to the grocery store...and every night when I make dinner and then have to clean up after everyone and when I squeeze in all the other house cleaning that only I am capable of doing apparently...

And if I ask for a little enthusiasm and selflessness about parenting over the weekend...I AM NAGGING!!! I don't know if DH even knows what nagging is! I don't think that asking him to be up by 9:30 to feed his children one morning a week is that much to ask.  Give me a fucking break...literally...Oh and did I mention that I am sick as would think that would be motivation enough to support me and spend time with his kids besides saying good night or have a good day half consciously from the couch(on the mornings that he does decide to grace us with his presence)...and he has the audacity to bitch about me interrupting his sleep cycle...


this is just pathetic whining...why don't you leave that to the babies that are under the age of 8 in this household!!!

Thanks for letting me vent...Man am I peeved...Don't worry about us though, we're seeing someone and talking this all through with a professional...Thank God!..I think we all need to do that at one time or another...It's going really well too, but I still wish that there was a magical pill or spell that I could just slip him in order to give him a fucking clue!!!!!!!!!

Can't wait to talk about all of this with Dr. Therapist next week!!! And they wonder why we don't have a sex drive anymore! Who wants to have sex with that?..Not me, very often at least!

Well I better get up and get to my slave duties...there's lots to clean up after every one else this weekend...

Mama L

P.S. It's know 12 and DH is still in and out of consciousness on the couch!!! 

Friday, October 10, 2008

Come Back Wine-O and Miss Tomboy!!!!!! My kids are bored and I need a drink!!!!!!!

I'm not one to feel sorry for my self, really...I have a feeling that it might look that way once my virtual journal here fills up...But really, I assure you that in all other areas of my life I am a half glass full kind of person...An Optimist! Lately about this one thing though...I must confess...I have been very negative!

Just a couple weeks ago we lost our neighbors...Our dear dear playmate, My wine drinking buddy and husband bashing partner in crime, and her hubby too I suppose!!!  "Miss Tomboy" was such a great playmate to my Scout and Pip!  She was like the balance between these two brothers!  We all shared everything...mac-n-cheese...Gas (sharing carpool duties)...Sanity keeping up with the kids in the back yard!  It was the most beautiful neighbor relationship and I am missing it terribly!!!

For you to understand why my torment over this loss is so great, you must know just how fated this union really was!  We moved here around 10 months ago and it was a devastating move for me and DH...We left behind our diverse progressive college town...for the far north isolation of the suburbs...This was extremely painful for us to do, even though we both knew we needed it and wanted it too...

I just knew that there weren't going to be any mamas my age with kids the boy's age...I knew I was going to be the outsider amongst all these traditional thirty and forty something moms...and low and behold...I bravely walk next door to ask about the bus schedule and I find "Wine-O."   It was so meant to be...She's was exactly that, a young hip mama of  a cute well mannered girl smack in between my boys...And Ironically enough there were a lot of similarities in our stories...They were a blended family too...She needed me as much as I needed her and we even pretty much agreed on how to rear our brood...It couldn't have been more meant to be!!!!

So, this is why I am just so beside myself about why I am now here and isolated once more...right when I got dependent on my once weekly husband bashing and my few times weekly happy hour, and nights here and there that I didn't have to cook alone...poof and their gone...

And I am here now wondering who will move next door...knowing very well that whom ever they are they just wont suffice! I'm praying every night that they won't be nearly as bad as the scary folks we already have on the other side!

I just want my Wine-O and Miss Tomboy back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I been missin you,
Mama L

Night Owl Vs. Early Bird

At night (or early morning) when I finally drag this tired ass to bed and lay my head...Initially I dream of one thing and one thing only. It's one of the things that I miss the most about my old life. And even after three years I am still struggling beyond belief with this issue. I am a natural night owl...I always have been! I remember as a child staying up late to clean my room...and I hate cleaning...and then cursing my Mom when she repeatedly tried to wake me the next morning! The night has always been my time...The hours of the day when I relax...finally feed myself, physically, spiritually, and mentally...and when I prefer to get things done!

I remember as a young nanny talking with mama's about how they transformed into their early bird selves! "after you have babies you just do it and it's fine," they would say...I used to always reply that "I hope the actually birthing changes you metaphysically because I am a night owl through and through," and their response was always something like "oh, it does honey don't you worry!"

In retrospect I now think that this is a load of crap!.. Either it really is a chemical balance change that happens after you give birth that I obviously missed out on since I adopted, or those broads were lying through their pearly teeth! Or maybe it's that I have become a bitter early bird because I haven't been able to give up my night owl!

Every early evening I tell my self that tonights the night...I'm going to be in bed by 11pm...and every morning with out fail I curse myself for not following through and for having to get up on 5 hours of sleep! I know that your all doing it out there and that's the one thing that gives me comfort...In addition to the fact that I am giving my boys a nutritious breakfast and a loving hug as their off to fill their brains!

but man...I MISS SLEEPING IN!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just sick over the loss of this dear dear friend!..And even though I know it's not coming back I just still can't let go of my night owl self! I have got to do something! I am dying to be like this one friend that I have who wakes in the morning to have time for herself before the start of the day! How do we transform ourselves in this way! I vow not to give up...I am swearing that tonight is the night I'll be in bed by 10:30 and tomorrow the morning I'll rise with a smile!

Until then I am holding out hope that when I do finally give up my body to the labor of child birth that this change will miraculously occur that will make me the most gracious early bird around!!!
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” Jon Hammond

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I am Mother*Loaded...hear me ROAR!!!

Welcome to Mother*Loaded (tales of an insta-Mom!) 

I'm over loaded with laundry, dishes, homework, carpool, and all the other trials of wife and motherhood!  At 22 I met and fell in love with a widower and his two forward to three years later and I am a full time stay at home mom!  25 with a 5 and 8 year old trying to adjust to this new life!!! In my previous life I was a professional nanny and dreamed of a future filled with a loving husband and beautiful kids! I just didn't think it would happen in such a crazy way, but I sure am grateful that it did!

Please remember that gratitude when I am ranting and raving about what it takes to care for my three boys (one of which is the Dad in this household)!

Thanks for listening,