A JERRY SPRINGER CHRISTMAS!!! Ho Ho Ho

There weren't really Ho's though, but seriously...It really was the strangest holiday that I have experienced thus far...I am a nut for this time of year and I really enjoy it with faith like a child...But this year it just wasn't in the cards...I was so happy for it to all be over!!!

It all started with my scrooge of a DH and snow balled from there...He was pisst for weeks that we were expected to do the CRAZY Christmas shuffle...That so many of you probably know all too well...I understand where he's coming from, really I do, but there just isn't a solution or alternative...With divorce running deep in both sides of this family we are destined to spread our selves thin this time of year!!!

So I tried to muster up enough positivity for all of us to carry us through...Oh and did i mention that the Monday before Christmas we went to the pediatrician and came home with strep throat for Scout and bronchitis and an ear infection for Pip!!! So I Thanked God that we had just enough time to get the antibiotics in our system, allowing us to not spread a little extra something along with our Christmas gifts!!!

We headed out for the first of our stops on Christmas Eve around 10am...fully prepared with snacks, water, and Pips inhaler for a long winters trip...Literally, as we were walking out to the truck Scout started to cough for about the first time since he had been sick...and I SWEAR to you that the child coughed every 5-10 seconds for the entire hour and half drive...Poor kid, I almost was mad at him it was so annoying...I have never been so happy to get out of a car in my life...and DH was eager to jump to the conclusion that he and Scout would probably need to go home and skip my family's party later that day!!! Big Shocker there, but I was so distraught from the constant 12 hacks a minute Christmas carol that I literally didn't care all that much!!! We ate, drank, and ripped through the wrapping, were spoiled with too much material wealth as usual, picked a lazer leveler kit in the exchange?, and managed to meet a new addition to the family (through a pregnancy-free shot gun wedding a few months back)...and that about sums it up!!!

Five hours after arriving, we were running late getting all our new loot loaded up and in the car for round two or our adventure...Thank God Scout had recovered enough to not miss out on the fun...We pulled up only about an hour and a half late to see one of my Aunts in a tissy with my Oma(German Grandma) in the cold-e-sac, and when I say "tissy" I mean she was enraged in a way that I have never seen her before...Turns out being late might have been a blessing in disguise because we missed the climactic 
ending beginning of the drama!!!

You see this was my Dad's first sober Christmas and we are all so proud of him and made the choice to show our respect by having a dry Christmas Eve...I guess my "lost" younger sister and her loser boyfriend didn't get the memo!!!  So, needless to say Auntie had some legitimate reasons for her rage...From what I gathered there were some words on the subject and it escalated from there!!! Well Auntie, with the kids in the car already, was off with out even a hello or a gift exchanged!!! I thought that it couldn't possibly get worse and...BOY was I wrong!!!

The drama continued from there and included the following...an awkward sober Dad feeling at the center of the drama..."lost" sister and loser boyfriend continuing to drink and make them selves at home with all uncle's beers...Opa (German Grandpa) has a kumbaya with loser boyfriend about showing respect...Loser, idiot boyfriend doesn't have a F***ING clue and continues to get intoxicated...Opa and Oma catch loser boyfriend grabbing a handful out of the fruit bowl and shoveling it down his throat and then with the entire ham hock in his hands while taking a bite...NO JOKE this really happened...as my good friend Iris always says, I couldn't make this shit up!!! Weird Weird Weird...and totally Jerry Springer...All we lacked was the trashy dirty slut of an ex-girlfriend!!! Thank God for that!!!

So then to top it all off, as if that weren't enough for a trashy TV version of a Christmas Eve...Right before we left, our sweet little cousin threw up every where and continued to do so for the next three days, exposing us to the stomach bug!!!

All in all the positive side was that all that drama made me extra grateful for our first Christmas spending the night at our new house and alone!!! I was so much more happy about the idea of getting up on Christmas morning and spending some intimate, drama-free time together as a family...

AND then about 45 minutes after waking the door bell rings and the saga continues...Grandpa got confused and thought he was expected on Christmas day when in fact we had invited him over for the 26th...

Whatever, at this point...WHAT THE F#^*@ EVER...

Took him with us to my Mom's for the day and then apologized when Grandma got to our house later that evening to find her unexpected ex-husband here as well...You win some and you lose some...

Hope your Christmas was more laid back than mine and if not...then take comfort in the fact that you are not alone...Better luck next year...It couldn't possibly be worse, Right???

Happy New Year to you all!!!!!

Gratefully,

ML (Mother*Loaded)

Thanks Givings!!!

I am a firm believer in Family Baggage and specifically the fact that we all have it...I like to think that mine is a little worse than yours but all in all I know that we all have it and that if you don't, your just in denial or unaware of what's really there!!!

There is nothing like sharing holidays with other families to make you appreciate your family (baggage and all)!!! I love DH's family and they are so sweet and appreciative of me...But Thanksgiving just isn't the same when you aren't asleep on your Mama's couch after eating the same dishes that you eat every year on this day!!!  I went and I ate and it was lovely, but it wasn't really Thanksgiving...

I was sad about all this for a second and then I realized that it was so nice to appreciate my crazy baggage carrying family!!!  Even with the awkward non existent relationship that I currently have with my baby sister...Still they are my family...and the ones that I am stuck with and whom are stuck with me...and no matter how gracious and loving, no one can replace that or produce a better Thanksgiving meal...It just isn't possible...

So this year I was thankful for my boys and my new in-law family...but surprisingly enough I was much more thankful for my crazy family that has been with me from the start!!! 

I hope you all had a great Turkey day...and that you were surprisingly thankful for something, and maybe family most of all!!!

Dance Baby Dance!??????

Okay so this weekend was DH's birthday and so that means that we had the perfect excuse and a willing Grandma forcing us back into the world of a social life...We don't visit this world very often...as I don't count teacher conferences and cub scout meetings as real adult interaction...So it was a nice change of pace to go to a lovely dinner down town with a melting pot of friends in tow!!!

Dinner was great! We were full of social interaction, sake, and Japanese food by about 9 o'clock...when we then shockingly agreed (while yawning) that we should go see some friends play a gig at a joint down the road...Whew, dinner and music...We are really out now!!!! Well not exactly...Before we got in the door DH had already whispered to me that he didn't want to stay long...Man are we losers from the burbs or what!!!

I was more in a social mood and almost felt like I was on vacation...So, despite not being able to have more than one drink (it was not my birthday and we couldn't afford a cab if we wanted one all the way back to our neck of the woods)..I was excited to be somewhere where kids were not allowed!!!

I don't know if it was the one extra large sweet tea vodka(which is sinfully good by the way), or my being around other adult women who don't have kids for the first time in ages...But, it was as if this place and all the people in it were my scientific experiment and that it was my duty to observe and judge...Awful I know(forgive me)...It's a culture that I am not a part of very often and so it has become like being in a foreign country and not being able to take your eyes off the locals!

I danced enough to look like I belonged and sipped my cocktail slow enough so that I could escape at some point...It was what I think is probably the usual crowd and filled with a few people that I love...But the more that I watched the more I realized that maybe I shouldn't feel that sorry for my self any more...Don't get me wrong I miss having a consistent social life a lot, but watching some of these folks gave me such a great appreciation for the fact that I wouldn't be back out tomorrow searching for what ever feeling or partner that a lot of these people were so obviously searching for!!!

I know there were some more "observers" out there(most came in with me)...Ones that weren't searching for anything but a night out with friends and their significant other...But then there were "The Others"...

Just a few of my favorites...

The old hippie guy that was dressed like a modern age frat boy and probably at least in his fifties...poor old man...

The two suits...who you know were in their first real job working for the man, because they looked like they were twelve and dressed up for their cousin's wedding...feeling all fine and looking very goofy and over confident...entertainment for me!!!

Then there was your typical cougar...flopping her fake boobies in her top...that one that looks
like it fit when she was in her twenties...ewww!!! Now talk about sad...that is sad!!!

And then there was the icing on the cake...When I spotted this one I knew that I was happy that I lived at least a 30 minutes drive away...It was one of those where you do a double take and where as hard as you try you just can't stop staring and wondering...I was filled with sorrow, shame, and outrage for this girl all at the same time...I noticed her cleavage first...bursting out of her top as if she was lactating...

Oh wait a second...is she lactating?..No, certainly it can't be...is that what I think it is?.. Is that girl dancing all crazy in the front of stage left PREGNANT?..NO, certainly it can't be?..Okay, she could just be here every night and that's why she looks likes she's pregnant right?..

I watched her like a hawk scouring it's pray and I couldn't take my eyes off of this poor girl...she most certainly had more in her belly than a keg of beer and years worth of RedBull and vodkas...She was out and pregnant for sure...Not that I think you should be bedridden and stuck at home for your entire pregnancy...But this girl had no ring and was literally sweating like she was a fat ass who had danced for the first time in her life...She was even twirling her sweaty hair around like a rock star...I was so outraged and appalled that she was in this club filled with smoke and shaking her milk filled breast every where...She was dancing so hard that I swear she might have given this poor fetus shaken baby syndrome before it was even born...

I wanted to judge her and confront her for a second, but in the end I just felt sorry for her...She was probably out enjoying her last moments of freedom and praying she'll meet a man before she spits out the biggest "cock block"(please excuse my french, but I really couldn't think of a better term) of her life...poor girl...poor baby!!!

I never felt more happy to walk to the car and drive home with DH back to our Loserville neighborhood where I am constantly buried in housework and all things that involve kids...I was just happy to have a real home and man to take there with me!!!

I won't lie though...I am looking forward to collecting more data on my experiment in the near future!!!

Hope you had a great birthday honey!!!

yours truly,
ML

Note to all those who pray...add sweaty pregnant girl to your list!!! Even if I was wrong and it was a beer gut, this girl desperately needs our prayers!!!

Come Back Wine-O and Miss Tomboy!!!!!! My kids are bored and I need a drink!!!!!!!

I'm not one to feel sorry for my self, really...I have a feeling that it might look that way once my virtual journal here fills up...But really, I assure you that in all other areas of my life I am a half glass full kind of person...An Optimist! Lately about this one thing though...I must confess...I have been very negative!

Just a couple weeks ago we lost our neighbors...Our dear dear playmate, My wine drinking buddy and husband bashing partner in crime, and her hubby too I suppose!!!  "Miss Tomboy" was such a great playmate to my Scout and Pip!  She was like the balance between these two brothers!  We all shared everything...mac-n-cheese...Gas (sharing carpool duties)...Sanity keeping up with the kids in the back yard!  It was the most beautiful neighbor relationship and I am missing it terribly!!!

For you to understand why my torment over this loss is so great, you must know just how fated this union really was!  We moved here around 10 months ago and it was a devastating move for me and DH...We left behind our diverse progressive college town...for the far north isolation of the suburbs...This was extremely painful for us to do, even though we both knew we needed it and wanted it too...

I just knew that there weren't going to be any mamas my age with kids the boy's age...I knew I was going to be the outsider amongst all these traditional thirty and forty something moms...and low and behold...I bravely walk next door to ask about the bus schedule and I find "Wine-O."   It was so meant to be...She's was exactly that, a young hip mama of  a cute well mannered girl smack in between my boys...And Ironically enough there were a lot of similarities in our stories...They were a blended family too...She needed me as much as I needed her and we even pretty much agreed on how to rear our brood...It couldn't have been more meant to be!!!!

So, this is why I am just so beside myself about why I am now here and isolated once more...right when I got dependent on my once weekly husband bashing and my few times weekly happy hour, and nights here and there that I didn't have to cook alone...poof and their gone...

And I am here now wondering who will move next door...knowing very well that whom ever they are they just wont suffice! I'm praying every night that they won't be nearly as bad as the scary folks we already have on the other side!

I just want my Wine-O and Miss Tomboy back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I been missin you,

Mama L